Love Gets Messy Sometimes!

Lets' face it: Love gets messy sometimes!

Have you ever heard yourself say, 'This can't be love' or 'I think I've fallen out of love'? Maybe you've had the experience of losing respect for your partner or friend for a time. You've 'had it' and you want to take a break! Or, you might even be an expert at dreaming an exit strategy. If you've been in a committed relationship, you may know what I'm talking about. 

Love does get messy at times. Knowing how to clean up the mess and return to an even stronger connection is an art. Learning this art requires your attention and action to be committed to a life of growing the Love that is always inside of you. When you are devoted to becoming a Courageous Lover you consistently ask yourself:

             "What Would Love Do Now?"   

10 Ways to become a Courageous Lover

1. Vulnerability Rocks Your Relationship

Get real and be yourself. If you want to be loved for who you truly are, why pretend? Risk being vulnerable by taking off any masks of protection that cover over your fears, feelings and thoughts. Good relationships demand the strength that true vulnerability offers. Commit to Loving!

2. Bury the 'Right/Wrong' Game

Give it up and choose happiness over being right. When two people with two unique dreaming minds create a relationship there is bound to be disagreement. Agree to disagree, respect each others differences and let go of your need to 'be right'. Choose happy over being 'right' and everyone wins!

3. Embrace the Messiness

Relationships get crazy messy sometimes. Let yourself and your partner be in these challenging spaces without making a big or dramatic story about it. Give up your exit strategies. Often the hardest and most confusing of times opens you into new agreements with each other. Relationships are about growth!

4. Make No Assumptions
Asking questions rather than making assumptions is a straight path to intimacy. Making assumptions about what your partner is feeling or why they do what they do keeps the mind spinning its stories. To deepen the heart of your relationship, ask questions with the intention of truly listening. Listening is the first act of Love!

5. Retreat and Return
Love opens the heart of relationship while fear shuts it down. Everyone steps away from their beloveds at times. Hurt, frustration and disagreements send us away to contemplate and reorganize our self. The real power arises in knowing when to take space and when to return. Choose to return to Love!

6. Speak Up 
Do you become silent when you desperately want to connect? It takes courage to access the power of your voice and say what is really going on inside of you. Use "I" statements and speak from your own experience. Squelching your voice is a set up for disconnection and resentment. Communication is the foundation for great sex!

7. Live With Respect
Holding 'high standards' or creating a View of how your partner needs to be for you to be happy doesn't work. This lack of acceptance and disrespect damages the best of relationships. Supporting your partner to live their life in their way is the biggest gift you can offer them. Learn the Power of Respect!

8. Get Mad when You're Mad
It is refreshing when anger is expressed cleanly. Anger is a secondary emotion that arises from hurt, fear or frustration. Dumping anger or taking passive-aggressive actions shuts down the openness of love. Embrace and express anger as it arises in the moment and use it as a signpost to discover the deeper feeling underneath. Then let go and move on!

9. Take Responsibility

Be accountable for your own emotions, thoughts and actions. No one causes you to feel or do anything. You do what you do because of you and not because of others. As you realize this truth, you give up victim stance. Responsibility Frees You!

10. Be The True Lover
You are the source of Love in your life. No one can give you this experience. Self-acceptance, self-respect and self-trust create this golden elixir called Love. Fill up first and offer your abundant heart into life. Expressing your Love is a direct route to Happiness! 

Meet the Mighty Saboteur

A mighty Saboteur can sweep you under in a heartbeat with its handy dandy broom of self-doubt, reason and addiction — robbing your spirit and intent. 


 
You feel great. You’re poised to shift into new endeavors, to change the direction of your life. Looking ahead you can see the results of this shift: an increased sense of well-being. Your intentions are clear, your commitment to action is in place—and then something thwarts the process. That “something” is your Saboteur who shows up as a subconscious menacing force in your life.



Its first strike is to challenge every aspect of your intention to expand your life. You take a risk, do things differently, try a new creation, or uncover a part of you that has been squelched far too long. Soon the doubting voices arrive on the scene to undermine your new commitment to thrive.

As creator and operator of your safety program, your Saboteur coaxes you to abort change and cling to what is familiar and predictable. This force attempts to maintain the status quo of your life. Its' motto is: “We’re currently safe, so let’s keep everything as it is.”



The concept of sabotage comes from the Netherlands in the fifteenth century when workers threw their wooden shoes into the wooden gears of the textile looms to break the cogs, because they feared the automated machines would render the human workers obsolete. When the Saboteur feels the threat of change, it throws in the shoes and does its best to muck up the works.



But change is inevitable. The universe is built on the principle of constant flux. We are either the agent of change as our intentions fuel our new actions, or we experience the results of change as events prod us to stretch, grow and move into new arenas.



Choosing a new direction that summons fresh possibilities opens us to greater fields of light. It shifts us into new and unknown spaces where all we have known will be up for examination. Expansion, by its nature, gives space for inspiration, innovation and excitement. And, along with these juicy states comes a dose of trepidation or down right fear.



When life unexpectedly turns onto a new path that we weren’t prepared for, we find our self unearthed. Our safety zone is challenged. What we have relied on is gone and we are shaken to our very bones. Free-falling into foreign territory, our ground quakes with confusion and trepidation.



No matter whether change starts from within or takes us by storm from outside, one thing is sure: your Saboteur shows up shoes in hand. Its force slows or stops your momentum. It doesn’t trust the unknown spaces of transition—too unstable for its taste.



Do you remember a time when you were about to undertake something new? Perhaps you were about to initiate a new creation, take a new job, or commit to a relationship. Your heart and mind felt engaged. You made the choice to follow what felt right and true for you.



Did you notice uneasiness and voices of reason chime in to cause you to doubt yourself? Those were your Saboteurs tactics attempting to convince you to avoid the discomfort of change. This force is not concerned about your happiness or fulfillment; it is interested in keeping you the same so it stays in control.



Reason is the main tool your Saboteur uses to halt growth and keep you stagnant. It comes up with reasonable strategies to remind you that change is dangerous. Even if your world is feeling constricted or is lacking in vitality your Saboteur sticks to the motto: “Stay safe and keep everything as it is right now”.



New actions frequently give us a feeling of going against some force. That force is your Saboteur. You can see people making new decisions and taking unprecedented actions and then they pause to say, “This must not be right or it wouldn’t be this hard.” Not true! Changing our program is hard work as it takes a huge amount of energy to shift into a new direction.



Even if a situation is abusive or dysfunctional and you know you need to leave it, your Saboteur will convince you to put up with it. Here the different tones of its voices: “It could be worse.” “Maybe things will get better if I stay here, ” “You will likely re-create the same problems in the next relationship.” “You can’t possibly do this.” “It won’t work!” “Can I survive?” This banter appears intelligent as it tries to convince you to stay in unsafe or impossible situations.



Your Saboteur works to control change. Like a big black hole consuming huge amounts of energy, its fight against the inevitable expends your vital life force. It ensnares you in inertia, indecision and indifference. When it is in exceptional form, you may find yourself unable to get out of bed.



This sabotaging mechanism is not born from negativity, although his program certainly engenders negative thinking. It is all about protecting what is safe and familiar.



While sabotage is often demonstrated through reason, it has another powerful mode to keep you from expanding. The Saboteur is a master at procrastination. It will keep you from starting or completing any task. This is its way of coping with the anxiety that accompanies change. If your actions are counterproductive or delay your new intention, you are caught in your Saboteurs' trap.

Your Saboteur has another finely tuned mechanism to interrupt momentum in your life. Rather than experience the uneasy feelings that arise with expansion and freedom, your Saboteur will point you to your familiar addictive patterns in an attempt to modulate your energy—keep you in your comfort zone.



Just as you have taken up a new way of being, your Saboteur reminds you of the comfort that your past or present addictive behaviors have given you. He sends you back to the cigarettes, on to create drama, out to shop till you drop, or plops you down to surf the web. The frenetic activity of addiction attempts to keep you from feeling the huge influx of light that opens within you as you ignore your Saboteur in an attempt to raise the state of your life. Your Saboteur perceives this as foreign, thus dangerous. It wants you to panic and retreat from everything unfamiliar.



When you stay focused on your intention to change or expand your life, expect your Saboteur to show up to test you. It hammers you with reason, undermines you with doubt, keeps you in procrastination mode or activates addictive tendencies. You can get angry at its drag on your life and waste your energy in frustration. Or, you can accept it for what he is: an outdated program fraught with errors and lies that is holding you back from your potential.

Turning Point For A New Dream

Today is the darkest day in the year, 12/21/12. It is also a day predicted by the Mayan prophecy that our world is ending. Taking this outer message into my dreaming mind, I'm making a conscious choice to see this time as a turning point in my life.

Will you join me in consciously passing through a turning point in your life?  2013  Is  Dawning!

When we meet a turning point in a sleeping dream, we look at the symbols or messages after that point. They reflect to us deeper awareness or new direction. These symbols show us transformation is on the horizon. As a dreamer, we participate in consciously bringing this change into our life. 

Everyday, each of us is met with many turning points. Will we choose to be happy over being right? Will we let go of judgment to choose respect and forgiveness? Will our conditioned patterns of protection stay in place or will we enjoy the strength of our vulnerability? Will we take the high road and grow into our whole Self, or will we shrink from this task to stay safe?

When we choose to participate in the turning points of our soul's evolution, we exercise courage to let go of what no longer serves us, nurtures us or grows us. We embrace new possibilities, learn to breathe into unknown spaces and bring compassion to the emotional content that arises. We participate in the transformational process, the evolution of our life.

If we choose to resist the natural evolution of our soul's path we suffer needlessly. We ignore the knocks at the door of our heart. We disrespect ourselves and we put up with unhappiness, anxiety, overwhelm or perhaps downright pain. In our very resistance, the unconscious erupts in the form of chaos, accidents, crises, relationship difficulties and illness. And, Who wants that?

Now we are at a new turning point  ~  2013. What is it going to be? What will you activate on the other side of your turning point? How will you use your energy more impeccably and how will you Raise Your State?  What will you focus on? What truly matters to your heart?

I'd love to hear from you. What is your heart's desire for 2013. What will you be creating after your turning point?

Please email or give me a call. I'd love to hold witness to your new dream.

May your New Year be filled with health and abundant happiness!
Victoria

10 Ways to Thrive Through the Holidays

The holiday season is here. Do you dream that your holiday will be Magical? Filled with connection, celebration and joy? Or, are you with the other 45% dreading the upcoming weeks? Yes, one large study shows that 45% of us want to avoid the holidays altogether.

What is happening? I can only imagine that the increased stress added to already stress-filled lives that is the cause for so many people dreaming a holiday retreat. What I do know about this time of year is that many people get bogged down in "busyness," stress and old patterns.

Here are 10 ways to turn that around and create the holiday magic when you take really good care of yourself.

1. Give yourself a break. Perfection - even perfect happiness - just isn't possible. Let your best be good enough.
2. Make a budget for both your time and your money and stick to it. It really is the thought that counts.
3. Make conscious decisions. Get clear about what you really want to do over the holidays before compromising with others. If you don't have a clear plan and clear intentions, you might find yourself getting swept along by others' desires. Even if you compromise later, get clear first.
4. Shorten your to-do list. What do the holidays mean to you? For many, it's about family and friends and spirituality. If an item doesn't add to your holiday spirit, scratch it off.
5. Say NO when you want to. It is very liberating. Try it and see. It sounds simple, but too often the sense of obligation trumps desire. When faced with options, choose the one that would make you happier.
6. Limit obligatory activities. If you can't avoid certain events, limit the time you're there.
7. Take good care of yourself. The old standards help keep stress at bay: eat healthfully, exercise, drink lots of water, and breathe deeply. Schedule time for relaxation and fun.
8. Start early - like this week! To avoid a last-minute frenzy that can bust your budget, start shopping or making gifts now.
9. Ask for help. Reject any notion of martyrdom. The burden of preparations should not fall upon one person. The more specific you are in your request, the more successful you will be.
10. Establish new traditions. If you have experienced a major life-changing event, such as a death, break-up or divorce, consider doing something you've never done before over the holidays. Change it up! Get support.

If a glorious holiday season feels completely out of reach, you may experience the holiday blues. Many people do. Don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. Reach out for the support you need.

I hope these 10 tips help de-stress your holiday!

Reframe Your Ideas of 'Selfish'

Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully." ~ Richard Bach

Many people label "selfish" a bad thing. Have you ever abandoned your own needs in order to not be "selfish", and then ended up feeling you went against yourself? Why not take on "selfish" as a healthy stance that attends to taking care of Self.

When you selfishly guard your life force, you stay filled up on the inside and you ultimately have more to offer others.

Are you trained to not be "selfish"? Do you experience pangs of guilt when you need to say "no" to your partner or friend and "yes" to your personal needs?

If you've learned to be super responsible, a caretaker or have co-dependent tendencies, taking care of Self is often a stretch. It redirects the outside focus of attention and points you inside to your most precious gift, yourself! When you embrace the light side of "selfish", you will experience the luxury of valuing yourself. You will find ease in saying Yes to you.

Tools to shift you to the light side of "selfish":

• Make a list of all the things you would be doing if you stopped labeling them selfish.Turn each one around and ask yourself: "Does this "selfish" action really mean I'm taking care of me? Is it loving, is it kind, is it necessary for me to honor me?
• Endeavor to take one new action that you have considered to be selfish. Work with the guilty nudges that arise as you break this pattern. Rinse and repeat.
• Daily affirmation: "I am responsible for the choices I make.

Breaking any long held pattern feels awkward, uncomfortable and is sometimes anxiety provoking. This is just the old pattern attempting to survive. Have the courage to do it anyway. Know you are heading in the direction of loyalty to yourself.

Do you take the High Road?

"We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are." ~ Anais Nin

At times we feel hurt, betrayed or disappointed by someones words or action. And, on occasion our own hurt wants to hurt them back or at least know they might be suffering too. While we are still licking our wounds, we might even imagine that person is happily going about their life. Life certainly doesn't seem fair sometimes. Have you ever experienced this scenario? I have!

Choosing to Raise Our State is a process of refining our character. Learning to take the high road when we feel hurt or betrayed pays off.

Consider this truth: "What we do to others, we do to ourselves."

High Road Strategies:

• Feel the feelings without making a big story out of them. In time, when you are present to your feelings, they subside. Stopping the story is the big task.
• Refrain from reaction and wait to respond. Reaction hurts you and clear response strengthens your integrity.
• Look at your participation in the relationship. Is there anywhere you can take responsibility? Are you a victim or a volunteer?
• Strive to find your peace through forgiveness.
• Let go and move on!

Puff Up Your Patience Power

"Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to be able to live everything. Live the questions." ~ Rainer Maria Wilke

It feels awful to react strongly to a situation and then regret you didn't respond from a centered place. Have you made a hasty decision only to discover that if you had waited a tad bit longer you would have made a wiser choice? And, most likely saved yourself a lot of time and energy in the process.

Patience is a power that allows us to take a breath and get comfortable in the unknown spaces of life. It supports us to bear the times when old structures are dismantling and new ones are not yet in place. As an act of refrain, patience keeps us from forcing situations or attempting to control others.

Patience is the result of experiencing life as a process rather than a goal. It is a key ingredient that allows us to hold the tension long enough to gather all the information needed to make a decision. As we embrace the bigger co-creative flow of life, we strengthen internal trust and Patience becomes power!

This week use your awareness to note a time in your life when being patient paid off. Remember how it felt to hold the tension and then to discover it was all worth it.

Do you have a situation in your life now where you could exercise a little more patience? Practice breathing deeper each time the tendency to force things arises. Patience is like riding a gentle wind. It honors the flow of life and Raises Your State.